Member-only story
Please Stop Saying You Are “OCD”
It’s Not a Description, It’s a Debilitating Mental Illness
I am 8 years old and trying to walk through the hallway to get to the bathroom. I am gripped with panic because I cannot seem to just walk. Something is telling me to touch the walls on both sides of the hallway before I can take a step. So I touch the walls, I take a step, and my panic increases.
Now I have to do the movements in reverse, but in “exact” reverse. Did I touch the left wall of the hallway first, or the wall to the right? What foot did I take the step with. What would the exact reversal of that process be? Heel to toe or toe to heel? The panic increases. I am totally stuck. I feel as though I will die, or that someone I love will die, if I don’t walk in the “correct” way.
My mother sees me stuck in the hallway, and she is bewildered. I am now slumped down on the floor, shaking and crying hysterically. She tries to help me, and I scream and push her away. This is OCD.
Somehow I get to the bathroom, but when it comes time to wash my hands, the panic begins again. I need hot water, hot as can be. I turn off all the cold water and burn my hands under the hot water. I grab the soap, but lathering my hands once is not enough. I will die or someone I love will die if I don’t get this handwashing “just right.”
