Jenny, thanks for all your compassion. In answer to your question about why I blame myself -- I know that I am coping well, my current doctor lovingly calls me the "behavioral therapy expert." I, too, have spent months in bed with depression, and I am indeed grateful that I am not at that point. The blaming myself is an automatic response for me, one that all my healing work has still not been able to eradicate. Like Gabor Mate, who still reacts to his feelings of abandonment, which happened in his infancy, I have come to understand the struggle of dealing with years of child abuse. The deep feelings of unworthiness, being punished for simply existing. My doctor knows the whole story, so I am not still holding secrets inside. Dr. Mate is in his 70's, an still acknowledges the "gut response" of unworthiness. I take comfort in knowing that others have these same deep feelings, that may never truly heal.